My Mommy

Michelle Headley. This woman is the reason I breathe. Both metaphorically and literally. She is the only person that is raw with me and jsut tells me like it is. She is a friend i thought I would never become friendly with. Over the last year, we have come a long way from cursin each other out on the regular and fightin. She is my rock, my foundation, mortar, and bricks. She made me into the exact prson you see now. I am her child as she would say. She knows when things aren’t ok with me and knows to just leave it alone, that i’ll talk on my own time. Ever since I was 5, my mother was everything for me. She never tried to be all buddy with me because she told me what my place was. This woman makesme want to stay in a place I don’t belong. I know I belong in college but I don’t think this particular one.

Dreams

At 11, I dreamt of wealth, a real home, and stablility. This dreams stems from my mother. Its because of her that I even try to stick out college life at VCU. But lately that dream has become a nightmare. School work has completely escaped me and i can’t get it back-it’s too far away. Its almost midterm and yet I have progressed nowhere. I put on a front and a smil for my family so they don’t say, “I knew she couldn’t do it.” I try to put on a front at college that i’m ok. But i’m not. I have nightmares every night. Some dreams are weird and sick, but others are of my future. Of me not succeedin and becomin the radiologist that I crave to be. I dream of my family being siappointed in me. I dream of me havin a dead end job. I want to re-do this whole year so badly, “fail” it just like high school and retry. I know that I can’t though. And that depresses me because now my fuck-ups are sittin in my face smilin at me. I live in a depressin nightmare.

Ppl

When I came into this program, I knew I would be around strangers. Some these strangers I became cool with, others I just know. But these ppl who reached out to me, I gladly thank. Even though I disappoint you, i’ve been very disappointed with myself. My life isn’t as peachy as it used to be. I’m not sittin pretty as my Grandma says. I’ve become a hermit. I realize that. I stay in my room because in this twin xl bed, i know that i can disappoint no one but myself. Everyday I disappoint myself by makin bad choices. Everyday I feel as if i should drop out and just give up on my dreams. So even though I have disappointed you ppl, I want to thank you for your bluntness, your kindness, and just being there.

Time

Time is a precious element that i have let slip out of my hands. This college year itself has been tumultuous for me. VCU turned my life upside down. I have never been so alone, so depressed, or this troubled. I’m missing out on things that I can never get back because i’m so far away. I miss being with my family, being able to hop on a bus or the subway and go see them. I miss livin with my Grandma because she made me feel alright. I have never had this much happen to me in a short span of time. Every day I wake up wantin to either drop out or die. I feel like my life has gone terribly wrong and that I can’t get it back under control and in the rite. I have disappointed so many ppl that its not even funny, but only my mom still has full faith in me. I know that so many things can’t be re-done but at the same time i wish i had a time machine. I wish the last two years of my life nevr happened. I wish that I had money. I wish I had a real home to go home to instead of hoppin around different family memeber’s home. I wish my father steped in and was my father. I wish my mother wasn’t burdened with me. I just wish it would all end.

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